it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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