just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
