I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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