I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
