i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
