Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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