I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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