I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
