After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I could make wine with my vomit
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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