I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize