I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
