pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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