You were right. It hurts to walk today.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
