the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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