Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
