Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
