i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
