Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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