You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
