i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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