call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
