we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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