Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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