Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
