Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
