she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
