First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize