o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
