...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
