Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
