i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize