Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
