Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
