I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize