He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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