Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
