I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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