just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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