I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
