Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
