hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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