Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
