remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
