I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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