I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
