I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
