my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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