You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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