There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
