Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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