Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
