i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
