Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
