Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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