All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
