you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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