Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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