Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
