I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
