You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
