Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
