There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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